Puppy Foster Care Is Tough On The Soulless

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Sorry (to all of those who give a portion of a poop) for neglecting the whims of my dear prick, Christop.

Saturday, the 13th, we found the perfect home for Hedy … oh, wait, I mean DAISY. That’s right. The new fam named her DAISY. Supposedly the father fought to keep my homage to the beautiful & mysterious Hedy Lamarr, but he was completely over-ruled by his 3 daughters.

Daisy. Well, I guess Daisy Duck did have a bit of mysteriousness about her, too, and I am comforted knowing that Daisy the friendly pitbull will get some much needed press in front of suburban soccer fams. 

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Hedy “Daisy” Lamarr

 

She pumped life into my black, dead heart for a while and withdrawal from her has been debilitating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopefully this time around will be a little easier on this soulless wreck of a human being, but I am highly skeptical.

Say hello to Fay Wray. 

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Fay “?” Wray

Time To Change Direction?

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Hello All,

Please enjoy the dirty, surrealistic, inspirationally depressing, interpretative song & dance in this short, shitty video — inspired by my experiences as a human being last week.

Chris

 

What Will Happen When I Die

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5seclightsout
translightsI ordered a t-shirt today from CafePress with this on it. Never ordered anything from them before, so hopefully it doesn’t look like shit.

The last few days I’ve been moving a little slow, so I felt like I needed some encouragement.

 

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A Homeless Sign

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A Vision In The New Orleans French Quarter

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WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO TELL ME!!!!!????

Spread The New Word!

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More childish fun with crappy GIFs.

However, I would like you to seriously consider replacing the word “god” with “pie” from now on. A considerable amount of thought has been put into this. Pie is the perfect replacement. I can’t bring myself to bore you with the reasons. 

Ok, damn it … well, PIE is an acronym for Proto-Indo European. That’s one reason.

It’s 3 letters, just like god.

We all know the phrase “pie in the sky” and what that means.

There are plenty more reasons. Let’s just get this started, and we will all decide why later.

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Ubiquitous (Di)Vision

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Life With Staples

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Punk Atheist Position

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I’m a punk atheist. Some might say a “new atheist.” I don’t have the patience to argue with those who believe in god. However, I think this picture does a fair job of expressing my position. 

Do I really need to elaborate?

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Multiple Choice For The Present

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Brunch With Hitler (In Hell?)

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I am not certain as to which realm I am in now. There was no white light, no black light, no apparent transition whatsoever. I was in bed. Ill. Clutching my cross like it was some damn key or something. And, then Hitler showed up with a whitefish salad. He put it on a coffee table across the room. He politely invited me to disrobe and come and sit in a “big comfy, red chair that I had made special for you, my darling.” Ordinarily I would have reservations about indulging such a request, and after I sat down I observed this delayed feeling of hesitation.

“Too late, now,” I thought. “Let’s see where this goes.”

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I’ve never wanted to meet Hitler, but I’ve always been curious about his eating habits. He took a seat in the corner of the sun room across the way and just keeps staring out of the window. Should I ask him to come and join me? Would he like to share some of this delicious looking whitefish salad? Or, should I join him? It’s all dark & dreary over here and obviously bright & pleasant where he is sitting. Perhaps leave the salad? Is this a test? Maybe, I am supposed to bring the salad to him. What if I’m supposed to eat the whitefish FIRST and THEN bring the salad over. Oh, dreary, deary me. No Heaven for Betsy. Is this hell?

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Cursed By An Evil Christian

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Hello.

I am sick, now.

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Words fail me.

Hope fails me.

I think this is it. I hold a cross as a symbol of all the time I lost.

No one pray for me. 

Save your prayers for someone who wants to go to heaven.

I have some relatives up there I’d rather not see again.

I never should have messed with Humanity777.

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Ready to get toasty, now.

Cheers,

Chris

Will God Adopt Richard Dawkins???

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Satan seems to think that IS a possibility.

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A Quote From Me About My Absolute Love Affair With Gibberish (Pair-re-odd)

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“Language. Language language. Language, language language language language.  Language language language; language, language language language language.”

-Me, Circa 10 AM EST, April 2, 2013

Translation:

“Shpellnep. Shpellnep garpole. Pandari, shpellnep garople calastina fatusti. Parchook blankey dabolla; teestabolanay, frelltoole mangella fandar chapiro.”

-Me, Circa 10:30 AM EST, April 2, 2013 (It took 1/2 hour to translate one sentence, but I think it’s fairly accurate.)

Does this quote resonate with anyone else?

Please try to comment in gibberish. If you do not speak gibberish, then feel free to comment in any other language.

A complete tangent: Do you  know anyone who worships the Trinity?

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Another complete tangent: Has anyone read this book?

Complete-Bible

 

I recommend devoting your entire life to it.

A Suggestion for atheists (or theists who want to loosen the leash)

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DISCLAIMER: I abhor the self-help industry, I offer no testimonials and I’m insane. 

Most human beings are stricken with existential angst & despair.

I suspect this is the result of unfairness.

The world is unfair.  Whether we have too much or too little, our human brains demand equality on earth whether we are conscious of this demand or not.

The world we live in was made by humans. And, it was not made by or for all humans. It was made by and for privileged humans — the rest of which are expected to find some way to get paid and afford a watch.

clock smashed(1)The world, that is, more specifically, existence and society, is an antiquated, broken master clock.  The gears move. The hands move. It makes noises in a somewhat predictable manner. But, it’s a man made clock which is not keeping accurate time. Most people attempt to get synchronized with it and accept that it is a mere fact of life that one MUST adjust their personal devices frequently in order to match its capricious tendencies. 

I believe that we will one day replace the master clock (with ??? not going there in this post), but in the meantime we must decide if we can stand the time. If we decide to stand the time, we have too strong a desire to see humanity succeed and refuse to match our watches to that capricious clicking prick — then, we need SOMETHING to bring us peace of mind. This, I suspect, is where many turn to god.

But, I have another suggestion🙂

Flip those letters around and think about what we’ve got … d … o … g! Yes!!!

runningwdogsLooking for some cognitive harmony so you can fight for a better world without losing your mind? Get a dog. We are SO fortunate on earth to have another species which are our PERFECT companions. 

You cannot, however, expect a dog to be your perfect companion on its own. If you are driven by pity, as you may so desperately want some other creature to have for you — a dog will only encourage chaos and leave you less in control than you were.

littledogfaceA dog needs for you to be its master in order to be happy if it is not being trained for a specific job. It needs for you to be in control. If you are not then it will attempt to lead you. Knowing how STRESSFUL it is for a human being to lead another human being, I’m sure you can imagine how stressful this would be for a dog without a job🙂

So, don’t get a dog and expect it to fill your existential void UNLESS you are prepared to learn dog psychology (incredibly easy to grasp) and train that creature to worship you and listen to your every command. Hmm … kind of sounds like what “god” expects of us??

DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!

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DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!

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NO MORE SGOD! NO MORE SGOD! NO MORE SGOD!

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DISCLAIMER #2: You will probably not get the true benefit of a loving dog if you believe in a god. The absence of belief in god improves the connection.

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An Easter Reflection

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Damn Good Friday with Lucifer

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On my way to church, with a bundle of pamphlets under my arm …

Lucifer: Hey, man, spare 76 cents for I can get me some Cheetos?

Chris: Sorry, sir, I don’t have any change on me, you want to go into the store- I’ll buy you some on the card?

Lucifer: Nah, that’s ok. Thanks for offering. God Bless You, sir.

Chris: Listen. I will go to the ATM and get you 20 bucks if you remember this: people bless people. People bless people.

Lucifer: Yes, sir, god bless you, sir.

Chris: People bless you.

Lucifer: Whatever, you self-righteous prick — where you going with those pamphlets?

Chris: Huh?

Lucifer: Let me see what you got there … “Jesus Is A Myth” … well, you’re part right.

Chris: Is that, right, how do you know?

Lucifer: I’m “Jesus”.

Chris: Really?

Lucifer: Yeah, nice to meet you, Chris, you might know me as Lucifer.

Chris: Really??

Lucifer: Yes, and you might not want to keep on with your little mission, there, because god gave me a limited number of tickets to heaven to distribute.

Chris: Ok.

Lucifer: Here, I got one for you.

Lucifer hands Chris a ticket that says: Destination: Heaven. First Class.

Chris: That’s nice.

Lucifer: It’s good is what it is. The real deal. You earned it, kid.

Chris: How did I earn it?

Lucifer: You didn’t fall for it. Fall for my tricks. You didn’t believe in god, and you were still a good human being. Good work.

Chris: What tricks?

Lucifer: The Bible. “Jesus”. You saw through it. Good work.

Chris: So, I’m going to heaven, because I DIDN’T believe in the bible and Jesus?

Lucifer: How could you!?? I mean, honestly, I thought I would have given out all these tickets A LONG TIME AGO. But, god was right — people don’t like to read. He said, “If you tell them that ONE BOOK has everything in it they need, the ‘leaders’ are gonna shove it down their throats and all the commoners will ask for in return is a glass of water.” He was right. He told me, “Lucifer, it DOESN’T matter WHAT you put in it — do your worst. It will take human beings thousands of years to figure out that the whole thing is your cryptic crock of shit.”

Chris: Wow, so you inspired the bible?

Lucifer: Well, you knew god didn’t.

Chris: And, you were Jesus?

Lucifer: THINK about it.

Brazilian-FigsChris: Well, cursing the fig tree makes a bit more sense, now.

Lucifer: It was pissing me off.

Chris: And, I can see how god would want you to be tortured to death.

Lucifer: Yeah, well, god was pissed at me for doing such a good job on earth, and in hell … I don’t feel pain. Good to be the king of damnation. I inflict pain; I don’t feel it. How could I have time to torment billions of souls, when I’m crying over some magma sizzling my skin, ya know?

Chris: So, god sent you to earth to feel pain.

Lucifer: YEP. But he forgot how clever I am🙂

Chris: You convinced everyone you were his son.

Lucifer:😉

Chris: Wow. That’s … that is pretty impressive. (looking at the ticket) So, this thing is good, eh?

Lucifer: Yep. First Class.

Chris: How do I … board??

Lucifer: Just die. But, don’t kill yourself. Enjoy life on earth as long as you can. Believe me, Heaven SUCKS. It’s BETTER than Hell for you. Obviously. But, there’s no personalities. Everyone is equal. There’s no rich, no poor, no greed, no ignorance … I mean … buncha socialists & atheists up there, ya know? Everything is “objective” … bleh, “objective, objective” … I mean, god loves ’em. I’m being nasty. They still have fun, they just … so skeptical.

Chris: I can see how that would aggravate you. Objective, so you’re telling me Ayn Rand got a ticket?

Lucifer: Nooooooooooo. But, she fooled almost as many “christians” as I have, so I made her my servant. Every day I let her shower in fire without her senses for 10 minutes.

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“Uh-oh, Paul Ryan!!!”

Should I Kill Myself?

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If you’re a thinking human being, this question has probably crossed your mind, too.

Well, I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of, and in fact, I suggest that you ask it more often.

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“Listen, you prick. I have no problem cutting your head off. Well, maybe, I would die before I got the whole thing off with THIS knife. But, I would happily stab you right in the chest, you little lazy bitch. Are you afraid to die, HUH? Yeah, WELL make the best of this day, because IF YOU DON’T … you’re going to have to answer for it again tomorrow. Oh, what? Life is pointless? Did you say that AGAIN? If you don’t CREATE A POINT … then, I am going to KILL YOU.”

Everyone is different. But, it helps me to look at this banner:
dontbeafraid

If you do not have balls & would like me to write an inspirational banner specific to your own genitalia, then I am at your service for 50 american dollars per word. HERE TO HELP!!!!

Lovingly,

CCL

WHY do the MAJORITY of Human Beings STILL believe in god?

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My hair-brained explanation:

Because the majority of human beings still believe in god.

As more and more people wise up (thank you, internet), interactions like this …

Average Human Being 1: I can’t believe I lost my job.

Average Human Being 2: It’s all part of god’s plan. I will keep you in my prayers.

Average Human Being 1: Thank you. I really appreciate that.

MAY start to sound like this …

santaAverage Human Being 1: I can’t believe I lost my job.

Average Human Being 2: I will ask Santa Claus to give you a job for Christmas.

Average Human Being 1: Gee, thanks.

Will “god” fade into the distance once “he” loses 50% of his fans???
GODtogod

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What? You think I’m being an irrational bitch? A girl can cheer for her favorite team, can’t she? Society says that I don’t have to be rational about it. In fact, I’m encouraged to scream & yell without consideration for others as long as I don’t spill my beer on them.sciencewins

Mommy Turned Me Into Hitler (Not Popeye) When She Made Me Eat Spinach!!!!

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“If god didn’t intend for us to jump to conclusions, then why did he invent the leap of faith???” – Me, Today, Circa 9:20am EST

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WOAH! This guy is jumping OVER conclusion! Nice!!

Did You Know HITLER was a vegetarian???

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Just stumbled upon THIS ARTICLE. And, NEEDLESS TO SAY, I am now frightened for myself AND for … mankind? Greeks? Gays?Shiver me timbers, I REALLY need to examine myself before some large group of people gets eradicated!!!

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OHH SHIT!!! SHIT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!! This meme just popped up on my screen, and I SWEAR I had pop-up blocking active. A MESSAGE FROM GOD!!!!!?

 

 

 

 

This day is not starting off very well, oh boy, now I’ve got so much to figure out.

17.) Just Outside of Utopia

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This is dedicated to David Yerle. I follow his blog, David Yerle Writes, where he posts interesting stuff about science & technology. Makes soup of my pathetic, little pea brain.

David pointed out that I’ve become completely distracted from Irrelevant Discourse with an Immortal Nobody — the series of duologues which I initially intended to be the primary focus of this blog.

This one takes surreality a bit further than prior episodes, as it’s “set” just outside of Plato’s Republic –  “setting” which may require a few more episodes than usual.

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Life Is Pointless Without A Dog

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The sleeping beauty on the right came from a fire barrel. When my fiancee and I received her yesterday, she needed a bath. As I rinsed the ash out of her hair and she began to shine black, I shed my first bittersweet tear as a human being. My neurons made contrasting connections. My brain was flooded with the feeling of knowing as sadness rushed in on a happy wave. For a moment, I understood why we are here.

To make meaning where it didn’t exist. To save lives that don’t matter. To give life to dead stars. To give names to our hopes.

Meet Hedy.

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Check out that bling!!!

Life Is Pointless Without God

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Sorry to bait & switch you, but … no, it’s not.

Is this the conclusion that the majority of us have come to?

Have we surrendered our minds so fully to the will of greedy, atypical human beings — that we ACTUALLY believe this to be true??

Have we been sold so completely that we have suffocated our own instincts?

“What is the point of it all?”

socrates-statue-221x300If society were designed by and for typical human beings, we would not be compelled to ask this question at all.

You don’t think this is true? You think human beings are inherently bad? WHY? Are YOU BAD? Why are you bad? What did you do wrong? Have you ever done anything “bad” which could not be attributed to either cultural misdirection or neglect?

Adam-nEveIf you think you need “god” to behave like a decent human being … then, I’m calling you out right now. BULLSHIT.

You are good. Human Beings are good. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

If we spread this message …

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The “Point” would be all around us … do you wonder “why you are here” while you are caring for another human being? If so … then your mind has been corrupted by god.

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(Ok, so maybe most old people are aggravating. There’s no way around that. But, we still have to help them until they die. We can’t blame them … they were conditioned to blab about pointless shit.)

Yes, I said: if you are wondering “why you are here,” then your mind has been corrupted by god. If you cannot feel connection with other human beings, then it’s not the “lack of god” which has done this to you … it’s the prevalence of the notion of god in our society. It’s the prevalence of this lie that there is no point without god … There is NO POINT to LIFE without a good relationship with an INVISIBLE SOMETHING WHICH WE HAVE ARGUED FOR CENTURIES TRYING TO DEFINE???? Yeah … that adds up. No, it doesn’t, but as human beings, we are inherently bad at math. We express ourselves with images and sounds … metaphors. Things which are slightly ambiguous resonate with most of us … a predisposition which is easily exploited.

God doesn’t benefit everyone.

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(Wow, that’s beautiful. Where are all the poor children? At recess???)

God is just a stick that our masters have been throwing us since the rise of civilization — the life of a dog seems pointless when lived as a human being.

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Divine Intervention on the 405 (PG-13)

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And, GRIDLOCK is the least of the concerns for those in the Los Angeles area AND THE WORLD for that matter. 101-traffic Because now that God has GRACED us with TANGIBLE PROOF of His existence  … all are left wondering … will there be MORE where that came from? And, where did it come from? What does God EAT?

An anonymous onlooker stated, “Now I KNOW God is a dude. A female couldn’t take a crap that big, even if she were an omnipotent God. Just sayin’.” seed-of-truce-04

But, not everyone is having such a casual reaction.

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Some are falling ill.

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Some see this as the long awaited proof they needed.

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Some are wondering … hmm … should we find a use for God’s dung?

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Should we dispose of it? And, if so, HOW?

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OR … should we just leave it be. And, see what happens?

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Only one thing is certain. Life here on Earth will NEVER be the SAME now that the primary debate has been settled.

Perhaps now we can move on and address some more pertinent issues. Or … will we just fight over this shit forever? If other nations come forth and say, “Hey, we want some of that shit! What makes you think God doesn’t just have bad aim and wanted it to land somewhere else??”

Will we be willing to share? Will we be willing to give our lives … defending God’s bowel movement?

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(Sorry, no pic of a giant pile of divine dung for those who were waiting for that.)

God: Great Artist but Bad Dad? (PG-13)

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So, he’s done some good work. So what??

Mountains-mountains-and-waterfalls-9040096-1920-1080I am a dependent animal. I was born helpless. I need to be held. I don’t care how many mountains and oceans He’s made — I’ve never received so much as a fist bump let alone a hug.

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Remember when he did this shit to Adam!? Messed UP! I mean … Adam was a douche … but, can you blame him with a dad like that!? Those kiss-ass angels didn’t need his love! We did!

Being abandoned makes human beings prone to …

Higher cortisol levels — which causes learning disabilities (faith).
Lower self-worth (faith).
Distrust towards others human beings (faith?).

Faith my ASS! I’m taking my BRAIN BACK!

So, God is this Great, Famous artist — GOOD FOR HIM.

When I’m feeling alone, I’m leaning on my FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS. He might have turned us into a bunch of intellectually stagnant, emotional disasters who occasionally can’t tell a butt plug from a grenade — but, you know what!? Still got a better track record than that self-important sack of shit. What the hell am I capitalizing his pronouns for? Enough. What!? I’m sorry. I’m done with the whole self-pitying, orphan thing … I’m done being upset about it and done wondering whether or not he ever existed in the first place.

TIME TO MOVE ON.

Hope for all Human Beings

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The 1940's in the 2040's

 Good people of the world. I’ve got fantastic news for all of you. I have just signed an executive order which decreases the price of a global lottery ticket to 99 cents! When is the last time you paid under a dollar for anything!? Let alone your fair shot at immeasurable happiness!!? Huh!? 

Wait! Wait! I have also …

Thank you. Thank you. Hold on … there’s more!

You are gracious. Thank you! People! Wait!

I know, I know … but listen

Listen: I have also … I would suggest that you all sit down for this if we were not packed in this auditorium like sardines. So … people … make sure you use your fellow human beings to keep your balance … as, what I’m about to tell you may flood your brains with so much joy … you won’t, you won’t —

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Here I am, Bob (later)

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The 1940's in the 2040's

The club is packed. A sort of ritualistic sounding jazz is playing.

Bob’s-In-Law: Of course, it’s from the actual Vatican. Smell it.

Customer: Smells like Nag Champa.

You, good sir … do not know your incense. That is Vatican Frankincense.

I don’t know. Maybe if you had two. One for me and my wife. We’re going to Rome this summer. That would be kinda fun. If you had two. So we could both wear them, but …

Bob’s-In-Law pulls out the second Cardinal hat from his jacket.

Woah! Ok, cool.

I bet you didn’t know you were gonna get lucky tonight, did ya?

Over to the bar: Lady, now we know her name, Gale, is inebriated and talking to Bob.

Gale: You were an idiot. An idiot!

Bob: I’m still an idiot.

See … that’s what I’m talking about. Old Bob never would’ve admitted that! But … now…

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Here I Am, Bob

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The 1940's in the 2040's

(This one would probably make a little more sense if performed.)

Futuristic looking nightclub.

PIANO PLAYER is warming up on an antique piano (the only antique in the club).

BOB is behind the bar, talking on a futuristic looking phone.

Bob: Two Cardinals hats?? The Cardinals suck this year — why would I wanna let you sell those in my club?

I’m not sure how I feel about letting you harass my customers with this bullshit, anyway.

Official business venture, huh? Well, how come you don’t do business somewhere else?

Do you have a fictitious name cert — wait, what!? From The Vatican!? How … I thought you meant St. Louis — I know you knew I meant the St. Louis Cardinals, and, no, I don’t think you’re an idiot … well, perhaps, I do … how do you know they’re real?

So, you…

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Statement of the obvious #1

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Thank You, Robin Coyle. I liked your blog recently and am borrowing this image. People can click on it if they want.

1.) Words are not as precise as numbers.

While this makes life a lot more suspenseful and interesting … it leads to arguments instead of agreements.

Words Person 1: Holy shit, did you see that bird — it was diving faster than an f14!

Words Person 2: F14!? No way!

Words Person 1: I’m just saying, that sucker was diving fast!

Words Person 2:  Yeah, but an f14 — that’s ridiculous. Maybe like twice the speed of a cheetah.

Words Person 1: Cheetah’s can’t fly!

Words Person 2: Still … it’s better than comparing it to an f14! I don’t think the thing was moving faster than 1500 miles per hour, you idiot!

Words Person 1: Well you are delusional! When did you ever see a Cheetah take a nose dive off of a 22 story apartment building!?

Words Person 2: Building — who said anything — 22 stories? Our apartment has 22 stories! You getting ideas!?

Math Kid: 519,213 feet per second.

Words Person 1: What did that kid say, honey?

Words Person 2: I don’t know. Is that our kid? Let’s take it up to the roof and hold it off the side until it explains itself!

Well, perhaps it’s not the words, but the ears, the mouths and the eyes (can you make out this yellar word?) which cause the trouble. At least, in the silly little world depicted above. Written above. Explained above? At least … that’s the way it sounds when you, when we listen to, or read these two characters, which I … wrote for you to enjoy, purely for amusement purposes. 

Oh yeah … which one did you think was the mommy and which one was the daddy?

Public Declaration Of Last Will (No Testament)

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stampTO WHOM IT IS UNLIKELY TO CONCERN:

Well, gee, I’ve never written one of these things before. I’m not sure what format I’m supposed to use. So, I hope this doesn’t seem too informal. Hey, it’s my will: I declare this post to be official. I’m going to number my requests, and I hope this will make them more intelligible. 

1.) If right before I perish, I scream “mommy!” — I would like for my body to be torn to pieces by starving wolves. It is important to me that they are starving, as I would not want any chance of any of them being a glutton. If they begin to eat me in a civil manner, I insist that they be provoked. Well, you can douse me in any sauce that would be appealing to them; I don’t care. Whatever gets them tearing.

2.) If right before I perish, I should scream “Priest!! Get me a Priest!! I’m sorry! I believe! I believe!” — then I would like to be stuffed and put in The Museum for Spineless Wimps with a placard beneath my feet which states: “Here Stands The Spineless Wimp. He seemed to be living a moderately courageous life all the way up until the last second — when he grabbed for his testicles to make sure they were still there — and, alas, they had always been an illusion.”

Well, I guess that I only have two requests. That’s ok, right? 

Optimistically,

The Proud, Atheist, Catholic Mama’s Boy

1.) Drunken Women Dancing On A Hill (pre-500 B.C.)

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Image2.) Orphic-Holism

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Was C.S. Lewis Onto Something?

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cslewis3

I apparently rounded up to 1964 but don’t feel like going back and changing it. Thanks for your understanding.