TO WHOM IT IS UNLIKELY TO CONCERN:
Well, gee, I’ve never written one of these things before. I’m not sure what format I’m supposed to use. So, I hope this doesn’t seem too informal. Hey, it’s my will: I declare this post to be official. I’m going to number my requests, and I hope this will make them more intelligible.
1.) If right before I perish, I scream “mommy!” — I would like for my body to be torn to pieces by starving wolves. It is important to me that they are starving, as I would not want any chance of any of them being a glutton. If they begin to eat me in a civil manner, I insist that they be provoked. Well, you can douse me in any sauce that would be appealing to them; I don’t care. Whatever gets them tearing.
2.) If right before I perish, I should scream “Priest!! Get me a Priest!! I’m sorry! I believe! I believe!” — then I would like to be stuffed and put in The Museum for Spineless Wimps with a placard beneath my feet which states: “Here Stands The Spineless Wimp. He seemed to be living a moderately courageous life all the way up until the last second — when he grabbed for his testicles to make sure they were still there — and, alas, they had always been an illusion.”
Well, I guess that I only have two requests. That’s ok, right?
The Proud, Atheist, Catholic Mama’s Boy