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Ahhh … got this text from my mom at 7:51 am EST …

“Exactly 34 years ago at this minute, 6:51, God blessed me with an amazing gift of life – you! Happy Birthday, child of mine. OGCLYM.”

OGCLYM. Only God Could Love You More. She signs all texts to my brother and I with that. Thanks, mommy. I do love you, and I appreciate your intention. But, suggesting that you love me LESS than the imaginary nothing which inspired me to consume the first 33 years of my life like a cross-eyed bovine is not comforting to me.


“Allz I have to do is lay here, and god will take care of everyfing.”

And, suggesting that you love me MORE than everyone else who loves me less than that undermining nada doesn’t do a whole lot for me either.


We Love You!! Less than your mom!! Who loves you less than nothing!! But, that’s still pretty good!!

And, then I got a text from my dad at 8:36 am EST, which, if considered with the first text, might help explain where I get “it” from.Β 

“Happy BD … have a special bd poop today! Luv Da Da.”

So, what is “it”? Scatological fascination? An incongruous thought process? Anti-social, subversive tendencies? Intimacy issues? Excessive guilt?

There are plenty of positives, but it’s my birthday. NOT the time to dwell on those. A birthday is more productively spent isolated in the throws of regret & existential angst than with loved ones who insist on —

OH, enough … fortunately for anyone reading this, I got distracted by an encouraging stimuli (leave it to your imagination, but it WASN’T a boob), and now I want to change this birthday tune!Β 


Ohhh … look at it out there! The world is beautiful & it’s all mine to explore!!! Carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe, carpe!!!

If I pray really hard today (or if I drink a lot tonight), The Guy With The Eye may make an appearance and give me some sage advice before the clock strikes midnight, my special day is all over & the real word takes me by surprise!!


Ohhhh, BLESSED be me from my father, BLESSED be me from a whore, BLESSED be me on my BIRTHDAY, My birthday THREE & FOUR!!!!

Alright, actually, I think my mother might’ve lost her virginity to my father, but it’s my song & my birthday. Be nice or piss off.