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Ephor and Pistosi are hanging out, nude, watching nude men and women train for the military.

PISTOSI   Are you sure this ok?

EPHOR   Absolutely. You don’t have to cover yourself.

PISTOSI  I’m not talking about being naked — I mean … being in Sparta without any business to conduct —

EPHOR  Pistosi, do you know who are you talking to …?


EPHOR   Actually, you better not answer that. I wouldn’t want you to accidentally insult me. Because, then you might have a problem on your hands. Speaking of which — take them off of your genitals.

PISTOSI  Those women. Incredible.

EPHOR  Makes you feel a little less capable doesn’t it?

PISTOSI  They are like sculptures of male gods.

EPHOR  But, beautiful aren’t they?

PISTOSI  I suppose so. I’m not sure how I feel about it.

EPHOR  And to think … they got like that on one sixth of the food that the men eat.

PISTOSI  Even if I did find lady oxen attractive, I would never be able to pry those legs open.

EPHOR Why would you have to?

PISTOSI  Spartan women. Stories of their chastity …

EPHOR  Cow shit.

PISTOSI  Don’t tell me …

EPHOR  You shouldn’t believe everything you hear about Sparta. We have fun here.

PISTOSI  Perhaps you do … you don’t think they are being pushed too hard? I mean — look at that guy … his penis is bleeding … and look at the scratches on that woman’s breasts.

EPHOR  Ahh, it’s worth it — hey, Lycurgus Jr!? How did you ever end up killing your helot who took a dump like three feet from your sandals?

PISTOSI  Are you sure that you should distract him like that?

EPHOR That kid has the focus of a … of a … of a …

PISTOSI  Spartan?

EPHOR  Well, I wouldn’t say that, yet. Hey, Gus Jr! Ahh, he’ll tell me later. I’ll bet you every coin I’ve got that he grabbed him by the neck and just let him swing by those tree limbs of his. Look at those arms!

PISTOSI  That’s a disturbing prediciton. But, considering how specific — thus unlikely — it is … and that iron coins have no value outside of Sparta. Sure.

EPHOR  Good … so, you’re not a little Persian bitch. Come on … let’s go find some women to take advantage of us.